Define persistence. It is the quality of tenacity, the act of continued effort or existence. And the continuance of an effect after the cause of it has stopped: persistence of vision equates pursuit.
Pursuit is something that I’ve done all my live. The pursuit of excellence. The pursuit of acceptance. Even the pursuit of accomplishment, but one pursuit that I had accomplished and lost was the pursuit of happiness. I was selfish and threw my opportunity away by picking you apart. Only to look in the mirror and see that I should be the one that should be picked apart.
But never would I have thought that looking deep in that mirror I would still seek the pursuit of a feeling that would lead me tumbling down the path of fear, agony, and endless pain.
…and yet I still move forward. I admit. I’ve done much damage. I admit my tactics have been impulsive and my actions, once again erratic, surged with anger frustration, and fear. Not towards you, but towards the very thought of you not being in my life.
My pursuit is towards happiness. And as I see from afar. That is your pursuit as well. But I’ve tasted your care, your hope, your energy. And through four words you helped create beautiful memories. Memories that will never be erased nor duplicated. Memories that instantly bring a smile to the face at the very thought of them.
But pain. Pain cannot be ignored. Pain is also remembered. It is the very thing that clouds my decision making. My happiness. And my tenacity towards you. My pain is deep, but does not wish to feel your pity. My pain is mostly self inflicted. Through actions and impulsive behavior that, for now, has jeopardized the very thought of me and you and our future…..and that future is clear.
I simply don’t deserve you. You deserve better. And you should move on without me.
You deserve not a better man. Because in my opinion a man never made nor defined who you were and what you are capable of. You deserve a better supporter. A better listener. A better companion that shares the very poised presence that you and your quaint smile brings to so many people every time they see your face.
You deserve a man that I once was before I was blinded with comfort, arrogance, and negligence towards you.
My pursuit is to one day be blessed with an opportunity to walk amongst many that you call a friend. And hope to claim, not refuge, which is what our relationship felt like for me this summer, but instead happiness.
Happiness. Is was drives me. And that drive is only achieved when seeing you smile. No four letter word needs to be returned. When we first met that four letter word was not on either one of our minds. Happiness was. And when things were simpler, that’s all that mattered.
Happiness needs to be returned. No four letter words. That four letter word is for fate to decide. My persistence is simply for happiness.
And even though you are my definition of happiness, my patience must stand tall amongst your time of healing and reconciliation towards me.
Apologies are needed, but not now. What is done is done. But know this, my persistence is not to be judged as desperation, nor shall it be viewed as weakness. It is simply the fact that I have had the sweet taste of happiness, a happiness that no one else can bring to my chest but you.
And although there are many cons in recent history that come to mind that my have brought separation to us, there has never been a person who can make me happy the way you do.
I hope that through my pursuit of happiness in life, like the first time we met, it never leaves my thought when I’m around you. If given the opportunity to be a friend I vow to make that a priority, that one day I get a chance to bestow that exact same happiness you brought upon me in the early days when we met.
But for now….I wait. I pursuit not happiness but poise and focus. Much of my pursuit is without a doubt for one person….but for now I wait. And pray that my patience can stand just as tall as my persistence. And I hope that my focus will drown out my anger and pain and us sure in space for a opportunity to be only one thing…a friend.